Don't stop me now!

Oh god, its 6am and I can't fall asleep at Phil's house. He's probably gonna think I'm a real nut job now. I wanted to stay by him all night listening to his soft breathing and feeling our skin just barely touching under the covers, but my thoughts overwhelmed me.

So here I am wondering what he will say in the morning and what to tell him. Well, I'm not accustomed to thinking positive thoughts in a long time, now as if in a trance I am awakened to a whole new view point. My heart has exploded with energy and life, even now I am aware of it. Everything has changed in a 360 direction. I have meaning, I have Phil. It's been a long lovely week of feeling happy, totally and utterly. It hasn't been without it's problems but it doesn't bring me down even close to what it did before. My therapist, mother, sister, Nadia and Adam have all noticed this wonderful change inside of me. I simply tell them "It must be love" and smile to myself and think of my beloved.

I am amazed with myself. So proud too. I have been setting a template default this week so I can remember and encourage myself to sustain these thoughts and glorious feelings. This is what my life has been missing. All the little pieces of my life can come together and look a million times more beautiful than all the stars put together.

I have been having some serious thoughts to my mothers loving insight that she would tell me that the Miss Bedfordshire contest is coming up, and showed me the article in the newspaper. Lying in bed with Phil, my head has been chewing this exciting experience over and over again. I've even loosely devised in my head how I would like like walking down the catwalk again and even a winning speech! I continued my thoughts to what it would be like to then go on to win Miss England and then Miss world. It would be totally amazing and scary at the same time. I'm dying to get on stage and prove my worth to the world as an intellectual and sexy woman. It's really something to think about, the money, the fame, the glory and the influence over millions of people watching on TV. The last part just purely sends my head into over-drive. What do I really want to tell the world?

I imagine standing on the stage in a beautiful dress looking sophisticated and stunning with the other contestants behind me feeling genuinely happy for me and Phil ready to burst loving me and this moment with me. The everyone watching as I say my first words after winning. I'd say something like

Pre-conceptual moulds have formed a view-point of beauty contests. I hope to many of you, I have changed this mould. I stand before you Miss World as a person like anyone else. What brings me here today is my self-motivation, determination and intelligence and the love of a good man. I hope for a truly better place in this world, but it all starts from the individual and their own beliefs. I'd like to thank my sponsors, family and friends for without their support I would not be standing here. *runs off stage to hide from the blinding lights*

Yeah, something like that speech would do. Could use some work but I got a few months to think about it LOL. Ok ok, I'm waaaay off in the clouds. But to dream is to live. To have ambitions is to thrive. I really wonder if I could make it. I'd love to try at least and see how far I can go. If I get wiped out in the auditions, then at least I have tried and I was probably too smart for all those nail technicians anyway :P