Need to vent...

Too many thoughts and feeling travel up and down the duel carriage-way of that which is my body and soul. I must calm my impulses. Get it together before the unraveling begins. No decent today.

How do I feel? I feel tired, I need to be alone but that is not how I feel. I am living a life of independence and yet it feels no different from that being in a relationship. I need time.

Things that make me happy: A glass or wine or beer alone or with good company. Feeling a connection between myself and others with no strings attached, aka friendship? Dancing in a club with no drinks and a decent DJ. Exercise and sports, currently Tein Shan Pai. Working to achieve a bigger goal. Talking to my dad my emotional mentor who makes me feel normal. Talking to Tony my spiritual guide. Keeping busy and forgetting dreary details. Researching and sharing knowledge and wisdom. Dressing up and making myself look good. Eating and cooking healthy, and delicious cuisine. Being part of an Asian community. Solitary time and thinking about philosophy. Practicing Chi-Gong. Dispensing useful or useless advice. Being wild at times, reserved at others. Talking to my sister and laughing so hard it hurts.
I need no helping hand, I am in control. Although it can be said control is only a delusion, a delusion is what we all live in.
I possess all of the best humanly characteristics one can have, yet this is my facade and is sure to fade and reveal the worst. What kind of person does this make me? A very manipulative one I am sure. I can get my way with people yet once I have attained it, what comes next? A gifted and cursed life indeed. A life of loneliness, at least I can tolerate myself for prolonged periods. I am multi-dimensional and at all depends on which way the wind is blowing. I am a living and walking example of an oxymoron. Just do the things that makes you happy Zoe, and you can't go wrong. "Be yourself" is the most useless comfort words I have ever heard.

I just called my daddy. He is the only one who can understand me right through to the core. despite the fact we have never lived together or grew older with one another, he is my closest alliance. I am just a younger version of him yet to experience some of the hardship he has experienced. I could not imagine bearing the loss of a family member from a violent death. Yet death is inevitable we care and survive in life. I asked him to recite my goals and advice on social situations. He tells me only what I need to hear. Get a degree, whatever degree is ok. Keep friends and refrain from becoming a hermit. Don't have boyfriends now. Simple advice but it all goes to the heart. These are the key things that I will honour throughout these three years.