Spinning around

Check Check Boom.

Felt overwhelmed this morning. I felt myself letting go as I sat and looked at my once tidy desk cluttered. It had all just suddenly slipped away from me, and what was organized and subdivided paperwork and notes was just a pile of messy bits of paper strewn over the house. Not to worry, I got my stapler and hole puncher out and set to work making more notes and ticking off my to-do list. I re-gained control and it was easy. I have my week lined up on the side of the computer and refer to it several times a day ensuring what needs to be done will be done. I hope one day I will have a personal assistant one day.

I went clubbing with my mom last night. Taekwondo was a bust as it was a bunch of kids and three overweight Volvo driving soccer moms in the class. With an abundance of energy, I knew I had to go out dancing on Friday night instead. To my satisfaction it was a awesome night. I wish the guys and girls could dance better though. With a bottle of wine in my system I took the lead to get the party started. Danced for four hours, I took off my shoes after two. They were stolen and I was dancing on broken glass and walked to the car barefoot. When i examined my feet, with a drunken amazement, there was not one scratch or a hint of a puncher wound. I guess I should walk on burning coal next. I got asked to go home with a cute blonde 20 something year old chap. I said i wasn't interested, gave him a cheeky look and bounced off towards the stage. There was a black guy who came to dance with me too, he has a rock solid body and a six pack good enough to scrub clothes on. When he got a bit touchy feely I pushed him off and danced off in another direction only to see him five minutes later. He started to piss me off when he was grabbing another girls ass infront of my face and then try to grab mine. So i pushed him off the stage. A unrelated fight broke out later and I almost got dragged into it. I jumped off the stage into a pile of glass to avoid it. After that, the police squad was coming into the club so I told mom we should leave. Regardless, it was the best night I have had in ages cause I got to dance to some wicked tunes. Can't wait to go to Spain and watch strippers in a nightclub. A woman's body is undoubtedly smotherable.

Monday is the start of a brand new week and I'm looking forward to finalizing my uni, apartment, job, and holiday. I am strong, I am intelligent, I am beautiful, I am funny, I am interesting, and all the rest of it. Sometimes you just have to tell yourself these things.

Busy Bee

I just found an awesome song by Basement Jaxx called 'Hot and Cold'. It gives me good goosebumps and I'm just sitting here bobbing my head to the bass and the sexy female voice.

It's been another great day. I got a freelance job nursing in the local surrounding towns. I'm doing what my dad does funny enough. I've already organized everything in place and I'm waiting for my resumes and birth certificate to come through since I lost the original. No biggie. Nothing is going to stop me from being great. All I have to put together now is my uni portfolio and I am set. I'm taking up Taekwondo starting this Friday and I'm going to see if my sister wants to join. My Grandma is coming to stay this weekend and I have cleaned up the house and cleaned all the towels and bedlinens. I cleaned off most of the spyware on the pc and got winmx running and blasting out my tunes. I stocked the fridge full of fruit and veggies and made shepherds pie when my friend G came over for a visit. It was really good for a first attempt. I'm liken this cooking business. I've got everything I need and I can really smile on the inside.

I FEEL FANTASTIC!!! If that's not something to shout about, then I don't know what qualifies.

26 servants and I roam free

I'm beginning to think that Mr Einstein here was on to something. Imagination is never something that I lacked or became programmed into me. I remember a time then I would climb trees to the very top just to look out for the sunset behind my house, across the street, beyond the neighborhood. I would imagine what it must be like far away and I was happy. Standing on the top of a tree grasping on a handful of leaves and fine twigs way up from the ground made me feel free. There was nothing to look at below, it was just a new perspective of what I already known so well. The wind would brush against my flushed cheeks and I would open my arms to stretch out and move with the breeze that passed me by. I don't think I could ever forget that exhilarating feeling of freedom and curiosity. I supose there was a time when I simply looked up at this new challenge. I remember a time when I was invincible and climbing my backyard tree became my destiny. I didn't want to be a 60's hippie and hug onto trees but only to love what's infront of me and then protect it with everything I am. Dare to imagine without fear. Imagine climbing mount Everest not just to say "I was there and that's my flag". Try saying, "I loved every moment of it and I wished mount Everest was bigger". Einstein left us a key to immortality, trouble is finding the lock. Now, I'm no math or science genius. I only wish to know what made him unique. But if I must study every one of his words and equations until I know what it was, I will. Let's all just drop the drugstore psychology and find a way to make us the best we can be.
The only person I have to explain my actions to is myself. There is far more to learn than meets the eye. I have three eyes now. Does that make me a bigger freak? Well good, let the minds of the future figure that one out for you. Where are the saviors of this world today? They are long gone, but I am here. I am here.

I am proud of myself today. I am myself re-born. No fear, no hesitation, just pure me. Last night and this morning, I have spoken to my family members from my heart. I make them feel loved and welcomed and let them see that I am a newborn butterfly. I never needed their approval because what is truly in my heart cannot go wrong. I believe in Purity, Honesty, Respect, Self-worth, Values, Love, Honor, Trust, Determination, Hardwork, Integrity, Skills, Innocence and Experience. These are all traits that should be marveled at and applauded for. Someone who can show one or more of the above with an open heart deserves to be admired. In this day and age, the goodness of humankind has been milked and drained dry. More often than not these people wonder what is the point of life and even when faced with happiness, turn away. Fear is our biggest enemy and guilt is our biggest downfall. When the walls have been broken down only then we can turn to ourselves and see our reflection. Next time you look in the mirror, try to ask yourself questions that you have been afraid to ask. Bad things don't just happen for any reason. If your not getting what you want out of life, you must ask yourself how to get there. The heart gives drive and direction yet the mind tells us that the heart is only a loud primary organ. If only the mind could see that unless you follow your heart it will weaken until the mind makes all the choices. Cutting out your heart is not a healthy, literally and metaphoically. The heart always points out to the mind what we want. The mind decides on how to get there. Make that action a reality and logically you have indeed fulfilled yourself.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."

Why is Albert Einstein and wearing polka dot pants and a necklace made of recycled bottle tops both considered eccentric?

He was brilliant. The mere mortel mind cannot comprehend fully his teachings and yet we stand and ridicule him. He wasn't the best for nothing and even during his lifetime, he still didn't understand it all. Take a step back and look at the greatest minds in the world. They are all labeled and never questioned. A mind compacted with Art and Science. Only now can i begin to see the correlation. Even in this world where where science has provided less work and an easier life, non of it makes us any happier. I relate to a genius, he devoted his whole life to what he loved with passion. I will do the same. There is much to learn, his life is a legacy where as a countries history and sports players fade away, his words and work provide a future.

I walk blindly into the unknown with an open heart and a beautiful soul. Judge me not as a fool and I shall not treat you one in return.

Interesting night

I am proud of myself today. My father promptly picked me up and took me out on a joyride I won't forget. He has reinstalled my values that no one can comprehend what journey I am about to embark upon. I need no ones approval, only to be independent and competent to do things for myself. There is little point in trying to win over a fathers approval because he shows it in other ways. He has been hard on me to succeed to my maximum potential. Before I thought that he expects too much from me. But now I truly see what he sees. I am a champion born on this world to survive, and survive I will. The highest level of enlightenment is when one achieves peace of mind and looks out for others without stepping on their toes. Everyone has their own way of getting through life so why should you be the one to stop that or make them feel bad. Instead look on the positive, there is a lot in this world but yet we shut out mind off from it. Everyone has problems but the key is to learn how to deal with random life. Because life really is random. Once we have set our mind to it, our problems automatically seem a little more distant and nt so bad. I am one person in this world of six billion. What makes me different is that I have the drive to go all the way to the end and learn my mistakes well so not to repeat them. Without mistakes we are nothing. It's the stuff that makes us stronger and more equipped to deal with the outside world. Let me tell you now that I have been through many, many mistakes, I'm still here, breathing and learning. It is the fuel that heats my burning desire to be simply the best. I need no acceptance, I need to go through this stage in my life alone. Only then will I learn the true value of independence and enlightenment. I'm a curbside prophet on her way up in this cold world, hopefully making it a brighter world for everyone. I just know I can. Life is what you make it, and I have finally decided now I am ripened for the real world and I am prepared to show everyone my accomplishments in a proud and dignified way. Minus the cockiness and attitude problems. I firmly believe I can change lives and enrich my own along the way. Therefore, I am the biggest winner of them all, life has thrown everything in my face, the good and the bad. I learn from the bad in order to make it good once again. I will be so strong inside and out without losing my femininity that I might possibly be the most powerful person on earth or close to. I will have the love of a good man who will stand by me as i progress into my success and/or enlightenment who will give me what i deserve. I deserve no less and it is not an unreasonable expectation. I live in the real world and breathe real air. My soul has found it niche in life and I must fulfill myself.

So anyone who's not with me, piss off. Cause I don't need people to bring me down. You either agree or you don't. If you don't, I don't want to hear it because I don't need you or anyone except for my family and good friends.

I'm not afraid

I know I'm home when I can bite my toenails in front of the PC and smoke with the other hand while balancing. It's got that bitter sweet taste to it. I'm home but I'm working on getting myself out of here. I'm going to uni baby. Actually part of the reason why I'm not already in uni is that I couldn't understand the English forms and system let alone send an application. I did it all by myself with no help. It's times like these where I really appreciate having a brain.


Long-term goals
I'm going to be the best god-damn Interior design on this planet.
I'm going to be the most loving daughter and sister.
I'm going to set an example to my baby doll sister.
I'm going to own my own house and car.
I'm going to be strong and loving each and everyday of my life.
I'm going to be guilt-free and considerate.
I'm going places when and where I please.
I'm going to have a great husband and kids.
I'm going to be mentally and physically active till the day I die.
I'm going to take the best of innocence and experience into my life.

Mid-term goals
I'm going to get a job.
I'm going to Spain.
I'm going to university.
I'm going to win back trust and affection from my family.
I'm going to quit smoking.
I'm going to join ballet or kickboxing or both.
I'm going to expand my knowledge in Chi-gong, Feng-Shui, Interior design, Cooking, Buddhism, and Relationships.
I'm going to lose 4kgs.
I'm going to peruse modeling.

Short-term goals
I'm going to sort out my accommodation, grant, loan, tuition fees.
I'm going to take my family out for dinner and a movie this week.
I'm going to take care of my hair, skin, nails.
I'm going to eat the best food I can afford.
I'm going to phone my family in Malaysia and tell them how much I love them.
I'm going to make a work resume and send it out until i get what I want.
I'm going to mow the lawn and cut back the garden.
I'm going to maintain good clean habits with exception of biting toenails.
I'm going to do my laundry regularly and efficiently.
I'm going to take pride in myself inside and out.
I'm going to do major clean up in the house once a week.
I'm going to cook good Italian food tomorrow.

The most important goal of all is that I maintain and refer back to these goals. I believe nothing is impossible and there are no limits to how much of a good girl I can really be.

This blog will show no weakness, only raw determination and skills. Everything that I feel proud of, I will post. At hard times, I will self-discover the problem and find a solution and act immediately or when appropriate. I belong to no one only to myself. My body, soul and mind is my temple and I shall honor it. I am married to myself just as Queen Elizabeth was married to her country. I shall always try to see a positive side of life and smile. I will dance in my kitchen with my mother if I have nothing better to do and feel like it.

I'm happy, I have everything I need right now.

My Dedication

Truly a new beginning with a brand new blog. My life here in in England is going to be great. Nothing or no one is going to stop me from accomplishing goals and succeeding, not even myself.
I have enrolled in Luton University and I'm taking interior design. I'm getting a job. I'm going to Spain. I'm opening and closing doors and it feels good. From this day forth, I declare that I Zoe Dawn Loke will never rely on anyone even if it will be much harder to accomplish alone. I am getting stronger.

Everyone wants to peel away the silken cocoon to aid the beautiful butterfly that will emerge. By giving a caring hand the butterfly is born weak and dies. Nature tells us that the creature needs to emerge independently thus building its strength for its life flight. No matter how hard it is to wriggle free into this world, I need no hand. Instead, when I'm discouraged, tell me how close I am too opening my wings. I have watched the world with cloudy vision for too long. I must explore with my own senses.

It was amazing waking up this morning and hugging my baby sister again for the first time again. I will honor and love her in the best ways possible. She is my world now.

I am married to myself. Let my mothers solitaire be proof enough to the outside world.