Maybe one day

I'm here again in my isolation box. The only place on earth I can speak from the heart about my worries, fears, doubts, dreams, hopes and everything else that I cannot say out there. Truth is, I already know everything I need to know about myself. It's breaking me when it should be making me. Stuck in my dark world with some faint reminders of who I am. The only time I don't feel quite so lost is when I sense beauty or when I'm driven by it to create. I don't see what other people see, I'm quite blind. But I feel. I get too caught up in my own dark inner feelings. The blind leading the blind. I know at the core, I'm not as bad as what I've lead myself to believe. Everything seems to take such a long time to sink in and I am too keen to force it upon myself rather than letting it come naturally. I choke, and when I do, it's all I can think about because I'm feeling it. I just keep hurting myself and I'm totally helpless. At this point of time, I want to hide.

I just don't see what you do, but I understand it, I know it's true instantly. It takes me a long time to get my head around it to absorb it. I can't absorb anything when I'm panicking.

I came to you in hopes I could comfort you. Although you don't show how you feel you don't need to tell me. When you came in I wanted to hug you, sit down and talk about things properly. I didn't expect you to brush me off and that always sends me off in wandering circles. Why have company in a time of need if your going to be on the defensive. I already knew that I wouldn't be of any comfort to you unless you come to me freely. I was ready, I was open for it. But I knew it would be a battle and you want me to prove to you that i'm a strong enough pillar to support you. I'm not strong in the way you need me. I know it, you know it. But that doesn't stop me from hoping I can comfort you. For whatever you say, I understand it, I feel it then it flows from there. I suppose we give what we want to receive. The only person who can do that for me is my sister. Then when I'm thinking of what you need, I'm being probed and attacked. I really was trying my best up until that point and then I just felt it was never ever going to be good enough. Which was confirmed hearing Aaliyah's crisp voice, seeing her gentle strong spirit and all the strength in dedicated martial arts practice. I wanted to admire it all the way it should be and let it all in and grow with it. I can, but I was so uncomfortable and I knew you was. I wanted to be comfortable but thought how can I, not when I can't even speak to you at this point about your dad, not when you think i'm feeding off you. Then when I awkwardly layed down, I felt such a relief. I was going to talk to you but then thought you need your sleep more than my sloppy explanations. Then for a bit I was thinking I'm a muppet. Then slowly recalled the night trying to make sense out of it. Understanding where I went wrong and why. Then in the morning, I was visualising myself doing forms properly. I really do want to be honest with you, it takes me time to step back from myself and know. Like when the phone rang, I forgot someone was coming, then I thought, i've got to get back or it won't get fixed this week then I thought shit I'm running off from Jason now, this looks bad, then I asked the guy if he really needed to get to my room. Thinking maybe I don't need to go. Even if I explained to him what needs to be fixed is external, I knew he still has to check it. So I was all panicked again but I knew I should go. Then your voice was angry but made sense. I didn't think to ask the guy to call back later. I shot myself in the foot, and all I could think was fuck, fuck, fuck no, I don't know what to do now. Which is why I told you I don't know.

How can I help you if I can't help myself. I feel like a total lost cause and I'm holding you back. I wish I could see straight but my vision is blocked. I try and I just seem to do you and me more damage. The place I see myself happiest is living on a far away hill on my own and maybe one day, stumbling across a mentor to guide and push me to do good. I'll never be great but I can be good. I hope you find someone that treats you in the ways you need. It's not me.