Hunting

For too long a time, I have spent my life utterly confused by my senses. They deceive me. Truth is, it is not the world which confuses me for I have a solid understanding based on the rules of the universe. It is myself the delegator which has been confused. I have had boxes in no particular order stored away waiting for further use but most of which are never added ever again, so the chemicals erode them with disuse. There is one large solid box which I rarely delve into which is the foundation for all the smaller components. It's the reason for every consciousness and unconscious thought in my existence. Every movement, reaction and action is linked to the black box. So little time have I spent understanding the contents. It starts so simply with a question. For I have always asked these questions to others and never get an answer I can settle for as reality, for it's only an opinion based on fragments of time. Even still, this cannot be true, because what I ask and more importantly how I say it is already swaying the vote. So my answer goes into my box and suppresses the psychic entropy that is sure to come if left totally unanswered. I pull the wool over my own eyes just so that I don't have to think about myself anymore. Then life goes on as a wavelength, peaking when I feel everything is in it's place and looking at society for a reality check that I'm good.

Trouble is that life happens in seconds and we are oblivious to 99.9% of it. The worst thing to turn your back on is not poverty and hunger of children we all could make a difference to but ourselves. We are right in front of ourselves but so little time is spent on finding out what we want, why we want it, why do I have these quirks and pitfalls and what makes me tick? Here we have a foundation. What we want is the probably the most important question but the hardest to answer without giving an automated response. We are all impressionable creatures, our surrounding will have an impact and only a small portion of that we have control over. We can never control the environment, but we can control our thinking within the environment. It's time to face facts that we all know that some angry mofo can end everything we know and love. It's the reason why we but up iron gates and bolts on the doors. We can never be sure if someone can penetrate our bubble and disrupt life as we know. But if such a event happened on whatever scale of magnitude, we still have final say of how we can cope after.

I have been hunting, I am the hunter, no longer can I let myself be put under a rug. I have been so afraid of myself and what I might find. I have waded through myself to find my answers, the real ones. It goes deep. My automated responses cannot save me from myself. I have issues with men because I have a fear of abandonment....Great, I'll save that one for my counselor. No. I want to know what the real reasons are and give it more than a few seconds of thought. I have thought "oh shiiiiiit, that's why" and lots of the time I don't like the answer but still know that is the truth behind the box I have struggled to contain. Thinking is addictive, once I sat down I wanted to know if I could stand my own company, and I couldn't without my thoughts switching over and under and inbetween. This is obstacle number one. You have to want to know. "oh I'm so confused, this isn't going anywhere, I'll do something productive so I don't have to face this now". Television, games, PC, a book, shopping, anything that takes you away from this horrible loneliness. Open your eyes. What am I doing, why am I doing it? What am I avoiding so badly I feel I must numb my brain for the stress is too great to bear.