Hunting Foolishly

I wanted someone to help me explain my feelings. I travelled blindly through the streets I know well. There is more truth to my words than I think possible. I better listern closely. Reaching out when I should be reaching in. Even when he reached out, I turned away. I turned myself away when deep down I wanted my arms to open and hold him near. To hold him the way he holds me and lift him up. I seized up. Trying to calculate and assess the problem, when the answer was in my power. I didn't give him what he needed from me at that moment. A reaction would have surficed. I knew i'd blown it the moment he started talking about his boiler.

Everyone needs to feed, you told me once you told me twice. I understood. I ignored. All I then knew was that I might have been the one you called sanctuary. It was in my knowledge to take action. I ignored the knowledge. You knew how to handle me and I knew how to handle you. Now I too cannot look you in the eye. How can ignore what is right infront of me.

I haven't found myself, this is why I 'borrow' somebody's elses style. I am just a collage of people I meet. Even the basics of tieing a shoelace, is my mother's style. But what about saying goodbye, having a guest, having a friend, a lover. I have pieces. So many situations I seize up and won't even know why. I have held broken men and not felt anything. I broke them but couldn't put them together again. The worst part is that I had the glue, the sandpaper, the paint and polish. No no, the worst part is that I still can't heal wounds.

In your brain, there are groups of cannabinoid receptors concentrated in several different places. These cannabinoid receptors have an effect on several mental and physical activities, including:

Short-term memory
Coordination
Learning
Problem solving

Some of the marijuana's side effects are:
Problems with memory and learning
Distorted perception
Difficulty with thinking and problem solving
Loss of coordination
Increased heart rate
Anxiety, paranoia and panic attacks


Research has found that the ideal state for learning is when the brain is in a relaxed, but aware state.
So when we say relaxed, we do not mean asleep. We mean relaxed, focussed and aware
This is called the alpha state.

It can be achieved in a number of ways and most of us achieve it at some during most days. A typical time may be just before one goes to sleep, or as one wakes.
At this time the mind is clear, receptive to information, and rapidly makes 'connections', realisations and joins up thoughts.

Many an 'AHA!' or 'EUREKA' moment comes at these times.

This was no doubt the state that Archimedes was in a good relaxed state when he launched himself out of the bath and down the street in his birthday suit.

The state is also great for releasing stress.

Alpha Brainwaves provide the optimum learning state for the brain.

Recently i've come to realise a lot about weed, it's biologic effects and it's mental affects and most importantly about myself. I was curious to know what causes my headaches when I smoke weed. I then discovered that I get 'tention headaches' which is related to stress and anxiety. No doubt, during my headaches which would spoil my natural high, I was thinking some deep shit that I didn't even want to go there. I know there is a lot about myself that I find too scary to admit to myself. When I can't have a conversation with my mom when i'm stoned is worrying and upsetting. I know I can have some amazing laughs with my mom when my heart is open to her even though most of what we laugh about is really painfull, there is an understanding. Stoned or not stoned. Being high and having those deep talks is what gives me real meaning and a break from feeling so empty and confused most of the time.

I see in this thread that a few of you acknowledge that when you are going through a 'bad trip' that it's because there are inner issues which can drive you insane. Until you resolve them, they will always haunt you and no one else can solve them for you. Listern to yourself and dig deep. Paranoid and anxiety attacks are alarm bells going off in your head that something needs to surface. Most of the time we never know what until we ask the question of "why?"

My headaches remain, and the frustrating part is that I've had a real glimpse of how my life can be in harmony. The harmony needs to sink in.