Bleh Bleh?

It's been two and a half years since I practiced chi-gong. I remembered just now why I don't. I push back all thoughts until I'm in a sedative state of mind and body and then everything floods back, the good and the bad. I see Frank's wise face and recall entire conversations in every detail. I remember what he and I spoke of and what I was thinking and feeling at that moment in time. I feel the chi that flows through my body and every muscle and temple aches. I sit unmoving focusing on the different pains and pulsations throughout my entire body. I was a goddess, but now a mere mortal. I gave it up in search of my desires. I will make Frank proud, for no other man has shared such knowledge and power with me. I eagerly await many things that will pass in the future, just as he had prophesied. I wait for a new era of life energy.

There is a deep sadness inside of me. Roots so far grown south that hell pulls them deeper into the crust. I forgive myself, I forgive myself. I forgive myself. The shadows are no comfort to me. Dancing in my mind, tormenting me further with their ridicule. Yes, I am alone. I can only save myself and any helping hand will inevitable be scorched adding to my pain. Even a slow death can be retraced back to health and bloom. I deify you and I will have my sanity back. I will, I will, I will. I set my goal amongst the fluffy lambs and my Shepard will guild me through hell.

Me, Only Me

If a phrase or word is repeatedly drummed into the mind, how much of it are we supposed to believe. It could be a torture or a blessing. But once taken away from the source, the words cease and then only we can think for ourselves once again. Those words can excel or degenerate the mind. I find myself surrounded by either the positive or negative chants at one time. One world gives me strength and the other takes it away. I want to believe in myself as much as a kind eye may look upon me, I find it an odd curse for words to impact me so deeply from someone I hardly know. I love the feeling of power and control. I thrive on that feeling. I will always ensure that I am an independent person and free to make my own decisions. The days of roaming wild and carefree seem a distant memory. I want to wear the pants. I want a career, I want to be someone high up and respected. I will do what it takes to make my success, failure is not an option. Life is a funny odd thing. Don't you just love it?

I dream of waking up everyday at sunrise to a wonderfully eventful day carefully planned suiting time management needs. I want to feel important and immaculate in my appearance. Love they self and my family around me. I want to spend an hour a day in solitude in mediation as I collect my thoughts and feelings for the day ahead. I imagine myself being there before I have arrived. I want to calculate, assess, design, research and bring color and life into this damp and dreary world. I can make the changes within myself and to the outside. I will make myself happy.

Health, Happiness and Wealth. Forget the rest.

Mineral water killed Beethoven?

The last penny drops and the room falls silent. Everything comes to a standstill and all that can be heard its the pendulum from the grandfather clock swinging, back and fro. The ticking drums the ears, penertrating the mind, and all I can think of is the rhythmic beating, of the clock and my own pounding heart. For years this soothing torment continues, and one day, it stops.

Must stay focused. At all costs, I must complete my goal. Tunnel vision is crucial for this mission. Without it, impending doom awaits. I WILL be the best interior designer. Give me the tools of life and I will feed myself until I need no more. I can talk the talk, now time for me to walk the plank. I will grow fins and eat the sharks to survive.

Scrambled eggs for one

Actually, a lot has happened but I haven't had the time to think about it.

I don't belong in this world, I belong in the next. People don't like my thinking. I don't know what must scare them most, that I'm brutally honest or that there is truth in what I say. Where is my home where I am valued and appreciated? There is nothing great about England. I just need to find another NetCity bunch and mingle. I miss Chinese mentality so much. I'm bored and stressed out from the Western world. Bored being the key word. Listening to soap operas on and off the television just rots my mind. I feel as though I'm somewhat corrupted and infected with this madness which surrounds me. Where is the peace and the love in England. It doesn't exist sadly. I can never live in this country. This must be my punishment. If I hadn't known another world I could have been complacent. But no, I know there is something better out there for me. Some place where I can go and call home.

I rollerbladed two miles uphill a uneven road in high traffic. That's my biggest abolishment since I could withstand an hour session of kickboxing. Red in the face and gasping for breath. It's all good.

Jaw Chow is my dream man. He's hot, talented, educated, rich, gets me off, and the best part is that I see him whenever I want and never fight. Now there's a lasting relationship!

My delicate little petal. Oh how I adore thee so. Pretty as a picture and luscious as the nectar you bear. I count the ways I love you so. You captivate my eye and soul as you hold me closer. I don't have to say a word and you know me so well. Laugh and play all day. My beloved flower, I will never leave you. Let your thorns stand prominate to the world, but oh, let me cradle you. I long for the silken touch against my skin. Show me you love me and let me love you. I stand bare before you, eyes watery, clasping my nakedness, waiting for you. Take me into your world where there is no pain or sadness. I give you a gift extended to you with both hands. Take it and I pray that you will treasure it. Mind, body and soul. It's all for you.

I don't feel pretty, That's why I model.

Gravy

I find myself bemused with my sister's book "lessons in obedience". I find it an odd gift from her boyfriends mother but non-the-less I am thoroughly enjoying the erotic novel. I must say I am warming up to the idea of S&M, saucy. Poor Lucy has been through a lot yet I’m taking divine pleasure in hertormentt and hertormentingg others. Would it be such a bad thing to be humiliated, or are we only ashamed and ignorant to the gratification it could bring if we were open. Pain and pleasure have a strong questionable connection. Perhaps it is time for atoothyy pair of nipple clamps.

I’m also reading "Da Vinci Code". Verintriguingng book with so much knowledge of the world. I never thought I would find myselinteresteded in history of counties or cultures apart froChinesese but that’s changed. I never really thought about tEiffeliel towel and itideologylogy. With diminutive insecure leaders lNapoleonlean and Pepin the short, the natioembelmbelm of a thousand foot phallus is fitting. Next time I got to Paris, I’d love to see Le Louvre and at least it’s three most famous objects, the Mona Lisa, Venus de milo and Winged Victory. I could spend almarvelingelling at masterpieces that have baffled and enlightened bright minds of the world. I want to see andoperas opras, plays, ballet, musicals. I would love everything.
I’m happy today, I’ve been productIve and i’m getting better at making clear homemade soups. I’m on my way up and reminding myself that I am a greatlonelinessLonelyness comes and goes. Still working on ways to make myself happy and not to depend on anyone but mysesoothessic sooths my soul and if I force myself to smile and remain tightlipped, I feel better. I still wish I had a close friend.wouldn'that wouldn’t fall in love with me... I guess I will find someone in university. I feel capable of having a female friend after being in the shelter and sharing a room with an innocent and pure hearted gdidn'tthat I didn’t want to fuck or beat the shit out of. Well, maybe I did want to screw around a little, but hhygienesonal hygine and health in that department was questionable. I also learnt how to deal with crude black kids. Good warm-up for a university which is 50% black.

Le taureau

I'm a big fan of emotional baggage. Never leave home without it. Mostly I just collect trinkets of my journeys. But every now and again, I bring back something big. Most would frown at my memorabilia and with ignorance declare that I should have better tastes. I takes me a long time to fully appreciate my own choices of emotional baggage. Each piece has it's own story and one part of hideousness and another of glory and beauty. Naturally, even myself being pessimistic, I fail to see the good in owning this monstrosity. I guess like everything else, It either grows on you or you dismiss it out of your sight. I'm only just starting to love more of my baggage than I hate. Been doing a lot of shifting through the bottomless bag and surfacing just one object at a time. All ranging in shapes, sizes, colors, textures ect, I find at least one thing that I like about it even if I must look at it for so long I grow tired of it. There is method behind the madness I assure you.

Christina Aguilera - Fighter Lyrics

After all you put me through
You'd think I'd dispise you
But in the end I wanna thank you
'Cause you made that much stronger
Well I thought I knew you, thinking that you were true
Guess I, I couldn't trust called your bluff, time is up
'cause I've Had enough
You were there by my side, always down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out in shame, mmhmm
After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do,
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'cause it
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
oh oh oh, ooh yeah yeah yeah, uh uh
Never saw it coming,
All of your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I'd realized your game
I heard you're going round
Playin' the victim now
But don't even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave
After all of the fights and the lies
Yes your wanting to HURT me
But that won't work anymore, no more, uh uh, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down
So I wanna say thank you
'cause it
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
How could this man I thought I know
Turn out to be unjust so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
YOU WON'T STOP ME
I am a fighter and I (fighter and I)
I ain't gon stop (I ain't gon stop)
There is no turning back
I'VE HAD ENOUGH
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Thought I would forget but I
I remember
Yes, I remember
I'll remember

The real world

Have you ever poured yourself a drink of orange juice only to spill a little on the counter. Did you end up cleaning the whole kitchin while you were at it. Well I just did. Then I sat my ass down, took a long deseved sip of my orange juice only for it to sting like hell in a bleeding gum. Helpful...maybe. Appreciated...nil.

I could drop down dead with the amount of hormones in my body. Nobody knows it but me! Seriously!

Anyway...the big day is coming up, I get to see Britans voted worst town and my new home all in one trip! If only I had known sooner.

I'm grateful I made it this far without getting pregnant and becoming a Chav. No babies till I'm 26 at least.

My mother wants to slit her wrists sometimes. I'm not sure what to do.

I'm alive I'm alive...The novelty runs thin suprisingly fast

Well, erm, I'm quitting smoking anyway. Not easy with a mother who blows smoke up my ass all the time. I'm going to have my 4th and a half one right now. Then, I will have my next smoke around 2pm tomorrow when the shit hits the fan.

Thank-you, peace out