Drifting to another place

It has been a highly insightful week. I hit a low. My mind became weakened and panic set in. I couldn't maintain my natural high and I let go. Worrying serves no purpose in my life yet it is a factor that creeps up on me and controls everything. Admitting that I lost my cool was almost as hard to say as it was for me to think.

The most important thing for me to remember is to plan. Without a plan, it is chaos in my head. I need to know what I am doing tomorrow with certainty and yet be flexible enough for changes. One thing at a time.

I'm just going to sit back and contemplate for awhile before drifting away to the beautiful sounds of classical harmony. I need to think about how lucky I really am.

Hi Hi

Life is all about the small changes we make now.

The recurring questions of who, what, why, and how are all realized when we find purpose. Who are we going to be, what are we going to do about it, why it is our plan and how are we going to make it. The search for religion and a higher power is a fruitless one for many in this day and age with the advancement of science and world development. We now demand solid answer to questions which can only be answered by our inner selves.

I believe, in many things. I believe there is now a light at the end of my tunnel which I desperately struggle towards. This can seem more like a nightmare to most, or on the flip-side, an opening. An opening to what I hear you say, well this is the place where miracles happen. Dreams can become more like reality, goals become increasingly closer. Everyone is entitled to our bad days, no doubt about it, but it this basic belief which draws us closer into the unknown territory. It is frightening, this is the risk we subject ourselves to everyday. If life was predictable on the other hand, honestly, what would be the point? No hopes because we know the result, no dreams because we know we will fulfill them... It's a bit like everyone's dream to win the lottery. For those who do have dreams to develop themselves in this long winded journey, it has suddenly been cut short. What is there to hope for now? I have have all the money I could wish for, but deep down, our personal needs for success go unnoticed. You have no right to complain, others envy you for your riches which appears to be the ultimate pressure factor to excel. People wish they had their life handed on a plate, while others which they never had to worry about this money factor in order to persuade their heart's desire. This is the way of the world. Be very clear upon this for your entire happiness depends on how YOU conduct yourself. The success of other people is a bench mark in a sense, but not for you to compare yourself directly. They have different circumstances, they are not you. If you aim for the stars and fall short, I assure you that you will be in a better position than if you never tried at all.

Don't stop me now!

Oh god, its 6am and I can't fall asleep at Phil's house. He's probably gonna think I'm a real nut job now. I wanted to stay by him all night listening to his soft breathing and feeling our skin just barely touching under the covers, but my thoughts overwhelmed me.

So here I am wondering what he will say in the morning and what to tell him. Well, I'm not accustomed to thinking positive thoughts in a long time, now as if in a trance I am awakened to a whole new view point. My heart has exploded with energy and life, even now I am aware of it. Everything has changed in a 360 direction. I have meaning, I have Phil. It's been a long lovely week of feeling happy, totally and utterly. It hasn't been without it's problems but it doesn't bring me down even close to what it did before. My therapist, mother, sister, Nadia and Adam have all noticed this wonderful change inside of me. I simply tell them "It must be love" and smile to myself and think of my beloved.

I am amazed with myself. So proud too. I have been setting a template default this week so I can remember and encourage myself to sustain these thoughts and glorious feelings. This is what my life has been missing. All the little pieces of my life can come together and look a million times more beautiful than all the stars put together.

I have been having some serious thoughts to my mothers loving insight that she would tell me that the Miss Bedfordshire contest is coming up, and showed me the article in the newspaper. Lying in bed with Phil, my head has been chewing this exciting experience over and over again. I've even loosely devised in my head how I would like like walking down the catwalk again and even a winning speech! I continued my thoughts to what it would be like to then go on to win Miss England and then Miss world. It would be totally amazing and scary at the same time. I'm dying to get on stage and prove my worth to the world as an intellectual and sexy woman. It's really something to think about, the money, the fame, the glory and the influence over millions of people watching on TV. The last part just purely sends my head into over-drive. What do I really want to tell the world?

I imagine standing on the stage in a beautiful dress looking sophisticated and stunning with the other contestants behind me feeling genuinely happy for me and Phil ready to burst loving me and this moment with me. The everyone watching as I say my first words after winning. I'd say something like

Pre-conceptual moulds have formed a view-point of beauty contests. I hope to many of you, I have changed this mould. I stand before you Miss World as a person like anyone else. What brings me here today is my self-motivation, determination and intelligence and the love of a good man. I hope for a truly better place in this world, but it all starts from the individual and their own beliefs. I'd like to thank my sponsors, family and friends for without their support I would not be standing here. *runs off stage to hide from the blinding lights*

Yeah, something like that speech would do. Could use some work but I got a few months to think about it LOL. Ok ok, I'm waaaay off in the clouds. But to dream is to live. To have ambitions is to thrive. I really wonder if I could make it. I'd love to try at least and see how far I can go. If I get wiped out in the auditions, then at least I have tried and I was probably too smart for all those nail technicians anyway :P

Cucumber face mask and Coconut smelling hair

You know your in trouble when you have spent the last five hours debating in your head about what to wear the next day and doing your hair, legs, eyebrows, exfoliating, plucking, using a face mask, moisturizing whole body, nails, more hair and a lots of changing of coats, clothes, and underwear. I've basically done the works tonight. I'm still not happy how my hips looks in that little brown dress but with the right accessories, it could work wonders. I'm feeling a whole lot more confident in some ways.

I have forgotten what it's like to have an attention to detail to myself and body. I have forgotten a lot of things I used to do. I do it not out of fear, but out of something else. I want to feel good. In the past none of these things really mattered since I left for Malaysia. Something has definitely changed for the better. I feel good about all the important things in life including my physical appearance. I won't let myself be afraid of this feeling from ending, only to enjoy it here and now.

I do love being able to wear dresses and skirts, makes me feel more feminine. I'm a girl after all. God bless my mom for trying to set an example. Makes me laugh some of the stuff she comes up with. Then at other times she makes me super-pissed off. I spend most of my time with my mom perpetually confused, just her. So sad.

Anyway, got a busy day tomorrow. Gonna cram AudoCad into my skull. The guy narrating knows what he is talking about, but sounds like a fucking moron most of the time. Damn architects. I know from today in an hours session how to draw a line on the screen. You would actually be surprised to know just how complex one line can get...Nightmare scenario! Still, it will all be worth the rewards. Hard-work and dedication can go a long way in this world.

I've been babbling on all day about design and philosophy, It just keeps going through my head and I want to know more and more. So little is written on the actual effects of design on the world at large. Particularly on economic growth, development and society. When you look deeper into these topics the question brings up a thousand others which can only be first explained through the entire history of design but in particular the industrial revolution. I would like to pinpoint and elaborately explain so many things in design. Like explain how practical solutions and never totally contained by practicality in extensive detail reciting and referring to past and present designers with all the exciting and interesting parts. I want to be able to tell people exactly how design has shaped the world with deep insight. And why the price of creation is always destruction.

These questions when I can fully comprehend, I want to share with the world and change pre-conceptual thoughts on the topic of design in the individual. But first step to this now is me getting some sleep for tomorrow.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

http://www.stonyhill.com/Articles/meaning_of_life.htm

I found this article really interesting. Even though I don't believe in God, This person makes me believe that their faith is strong and purposeful. I respect that. They have quite logical and rational thoughts questioning what it means to be alive and dead.
"I can no longer blame the Devil or God for pain and suffering". Now that's a statement. I wish more Christians could be more like this 'Dick' guy. LOL. I couldn't help it. I tried to hold that in. But in all seriousness this man has accepted the fact that God doesn't have total control, and that he has some over his fate by the sounds of it. He is happy and even comforted.

I respect this man because he has an opinion and good honest intentions. This is the way I treat people despite religion, culture, and upbringing. There is no excuse for being ignorant and selfish. The fault is their own. If this fully devout Christian man can accept the beliefs of a Buddhists reincarnation and give some serious thought to as if it could happen to him; I say a gap has been bridged. This gives me hope in humanity and the goodness and understanding of people. I feel very happy for this person even though I do not know them.

" Reflexive consciousness and free will are the most incredible gifts that any sentient life form could ever be given in that they enable that life form to be a Co-Creator with God."

Yeah I can really see why he could think that way. Reflexive consciousness and free will could be said to be our "soul", that of which, makes us human. I know this man knows what it means to be alive and to value life because I do too. I have never known someone to feel the same way as I do on this topic. The bottom line is the key element and it really doesn't matter if the version of his story is completely different. That's just the way he tells it, and I can say the same bottom line in my version.

I am blessed to find another soul who I can share a common belief with.

(Blessed) To make happy, blithesome, or joyous; to confer prosperity or happiness upon; to grant divine favor to. * Can you be blessed without thinking it is a divine favor?

(Soul) The animating and vital principle in humans, credited with the faculties of thought, action, and emotion and often conceived as an immaterial entity. * How on earth can thought, action and emotion be considered "immaterial". Soul, Karma, energy, Chi or whatever the divided want to call it, it doesn't mean because I disbelieve God that I am incapable of having a soul. I've got a deep, old soul baby hehe.

Is it possible to use these words without religious connotations?

If someone could help me with this problem, please help.

What is it to be humble? Because me and the dictionary have some discrepancies. Says here that humble means

"Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful.
Showing differential or submissive respect: a humble apology.
Low in rank, quality, or station; unpretentious or lowly: a humble cottage."

What the hell does "marked by meekness or modesty.." Mean anyway? That does not explain this action to me. What is meekness, it's the act of being submissive. And modesty is quiet about one's achievements. I'm completely thrown by "spirit" too. I would find it hard to identify anyone who has these qualities from the dictionary. But maybe that's me. Does this mean you have to be poor to be modest & humble? Or is there some other humbleness going around that I don't know about?! I really can't tell. Am I alone in this deep-thought?

It just got me thinking about this because I think being humble in society is an amazing quality in a person. I hold the highest respect over those who can hold their tongue from something that could be damaging in any way to the other person or make the situation negative. To me, this person has control and restraint which shows intelligence and thoughtfulness. Both qualities of course are admirable by themselves.

You see, you know that's probably why I hate English culture so much. Because the ratio of honest, decent, and genuine people are so few compared to those I found in Malaysia and everywhere else I have been. Perhaps I am looking at it like the grass is greener on the other side. But perhaps that's my personal opinion which I am entitled to.