What makes you and what makes me

I realized a few important things this week about myself.

I forgot to wear sunscreen and I got burnt surprise surprise.

My previous prep talk came in handy this week. But I forgot all about it when I saw my mom. I let myself become the negative side of myself which I despise. That is not who I am.

I need a prep talk for the weekend specifically. I lead two lives in the week so it is only natural I need two different approaches. Relaxing and do what comes naturally has failed me numerous times. This is because I worry. My new aim for this next weekend is to open my heart. I will do this in small steps. Firstly, I expect nothing to happen. Without expectations, when good things happen is miraculous. Free your mind Zoe. Breathe, exhale and let the vibes fill your body. When Phil hold my hand, I will acknowledge this as a sign of affection because he loves me. Anything positive he says I will take this sincerely and show that I appreciate it. I will let myself feel.

I'm gonna read my bible. Need some input to this. Don't worry. Be happy.

Million dollar challenge

Ok, so hypothetically speaking, we now have the perfect controlled test for growing plants, now what?
Even if you were a grand master in Reiki, wishing one batch of plants to grow faster is not going to work. After some investigation, I realize that the best chance of this experiment working would to firstly understand the biology of a plant and possibly how it may be manipulated to grow. Fundamental basic need of any photoautotroph plant is use of inorganic compounds to produce energy. So back to high school of photosynthesis, what we can physically control is water, light, air. The rest is left up to the plant generally. From what I have gathered, Nicotinamide adenile dinucleotide (NAD) and Flavin adenine dinucleotide (FAD) are essential to the anabolic metabolism and aerobic respiration. These two types of molecules are found in the carbon reduction equation, if you didn't know that, probably just means you have a life. So theoretically, if you could increase the production of these two, you would have a healthier stronger plant? It would produce more sugars. I think that is the bottom line.
Next question on my mind is 'How'. How can I alter the molecular structure of the two elements? What do they need to thrive and survive?
It's a begining. I've got 80 seedlings planted in my room at the moment. When they germinate, a friend will pick 30 shoots and supervise them according to the conditions suggested. Batch A will have no 'treatment' batch B will have a visit from me every other day, and batch C will have long-distance 'treatment'.

Rachel Whiteread - Embankment
Review by Zoe Loke
As you step into the Turbine Hall in the Tate Modern in London, You would be greeted by some 14,000 polythene cast boxes some stacked several meters high. Rachel Whitereads exhibition has made one new admirer out of me. Her controversial "art" has turned heads and challenges the concept of art indirectly. Her own concept for the white resin boxes was a fairly simple one.

Due to clearing her late mother's belongings, she discovered some of her personal items and realized at this point of time that her "life was in boxes". She then went on to explore the universal qualities that cardboard boxes possessed. Rachel aged 42 has made several previous exhibitions using a casting method with various different materials.

Embankment creates a labyrinth and uses a spatial transformation in effect 'casting' the space around the boxes. It holds resemblance to an archeological dig where some boxes are neatly stacked and others appear to be chaos and in ruins. The semi-opaque resin casts a silver glow aided by the special lighting fitted which creates an undetermined ambiance in my experience. The mood is light-hearted and airy, while passing through in between the stacked boxes it invoked a sense of curiosity and fun within me. Looking carefully it it in pain sight that the boxes have a bumpy texture and have been glued to one another to be stacked. The boxes were templated form ten various different sizes and shapes to form the landscape.

Critics suggest that it looks like blocks of ice or sugar cubes piled up in massive scale. One critic managed to pin-point in their view that Embankment was a failure because the boxes are in fact empty and sealed and does not invoke a sense of "collective memories" as Rachel suggests. Known art critic Brian Sewell describes it as "meritless gigantism".Newspaper reports describe it as a "deranged Argos warehouse". For these people it's a simple fact that Embankment did not 'turn them on' as with the many visitors who stared questionally.

There was no obvious didactic or polemic point to Embankment. Merely a personal expression of memories and it's links to boxes. In a very minimalistic way Rachel has achieved this. Her previous reputation of being a character showing seriousness, sensitivity, and a hard-working person is clearly demonstrated in her 'art'. Recognized for her outstanding achievement, RIBA recently awarded Rachel Whiteread with an 'Honorary award'.

Whether or not Embankment could be coined as Art is questionable and Rachel has brought this forward to out attention "what is art?".

In my experience when visiting this exhibition I experienced for myself a sense of a winter wonderland which invoked my curiosity to what was Rachel's motive behind this gigantic display of white cubes. Instinctively It reminded me of playing hide and seek like a child would. Trying to find the smallest gaps to pass through and being like a mouse in a playpen. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and have never has the pleasure of viewing an exhibition such as Embankment. It left a lasting impression and I am positive that was Rachel's intentions.

Yeah, seems random that I would post this here. I have a very good reason... :P I'm GIFTED

Focus now

Why must I protect myself from myself?

Trust

Clarity to Confusion and from Chaos to enlightenment

How am I supposed to feel? Once again on a raining Sunday he has left my life. It always rains when he goes. The grey sky reveals my mood. The circle of life goes on again. My week of madness and weekend of nothingness and everything. Once again my soul gets tucked away only for logic to override everything. I am strong. I am weak. I am something and nothing.

Why do I feel like I am sprinting a marathon on a treadmill?

Why am I still not happy?

Reality check...All systems ok. I'm going to forget the failures and remind myself of the successes. I'm going to wear sunscreen whatever the weather. I'm going to dance and smile. I am going to make it. This week it is my goal to write one essay, compile two research books, one exploded drawing, get two sales each working day, hour of CAD a day. It will be hard Zoe, anything easily obtained isn't worth having. You only get better by playing a smarter opponent. Being happy can be harder to hold on to than wallowing in self-pity. I know the latter only too well. Work hard play harder. Minimize distractions, stay focused. Here is your prep talk. Remember your goals for the week. Live for now not for tomorrow. If you are as determined as you think you are, now is the time to prove it. Show them what you are capable of, show them that you are every bit as true as you say you are. Smile, even if it feels like the worst day of your life. Laugh even if inside you want to cry. If you feel that it all feels too much to handle, get a better plan. Plan, plan, plan. Organize your day, wake up when you need to, relax at the right times. Now is the time to pull myself from the gutter and glide through the clouds. Be careful, not everyone is what they seem, what seems to be isn't always the case. Use your discretion of who who associate with. Find positive people and watch closely. Forget the bloodsuckers.

Feeling good?
Yeah, much better
Are you going to have a good week?
Yeah, I'm going to make the very best from it
Are you ready to work now?
Yes, I know what I need to do and how to do it
Smile then
:) I'm ready

How could I forget my love?

Then I read your email and you reminded me of something so important that I had forgotten.

What is life for living if not for love?

It really had left my mind this simple thing that means the world. Without love in our lives, it would be a very different world indeed, one that I don't want to live in. So fundamental to humans and taken for granted by everyone at times. Love is the solid fuel of he soul. My soul has been chomping down on fast-food and now that I have fine cuisine again, my soul is refining it's taste buds.

I don't really know about the compromise that you speak about. I guess that I must be different in this way because I already know who my match is. The only problem is being open to the fact that they are not perfect, but perfect for me. I have put myself to the test these past few months to rekindle an old flame. Dangerous territory, but everything melts away when I get that feeling inside that let's me know I made the right choice. All my doubts disappear and everything is exposed. From one soul to another there is that electricity that unites and ties us. It is as you say akin to an outer body experience and a new galaxy is born. It is such a beautiful creation, It has all the elements to fulfill ourselves. Just the right combination that turns the lock to our hearts. Scary and exciting, that's how I would put it as. I find myself surrendering my stubbornness and logic to a higher power that transforms my whole existence. Amazing!

I have really opened my eyes since being in university. So many good things have come into my life and it feels so good when everything is going so well. I can't bear to think about the downswing of this, I have come close to my familiar safety net but managed to bounce back and come back to full strength. This is a first for me. If I am to fail, then I will try again differently and more determined. These are foreign words from little me who was afraid to try incase I would fail. Life experiences evolve us in the ways we want. My heart and soul now shape the contours of my journey. Am I so loved up that my feet are hovering above the ground?

Where the divided stand in our minds

I'm lovesick

Never sick of love, and sick without it. What a feeling. As if transported to another place. My face is smiling and my brain is on vacation. Opening up to someone has a new meaning to me now. More than laying the cards on the table to be judged. My mind, soul and body has opened up to love. As his hands trace the curves of my body my skin raises up to meet it. My whole body rushes in to absorb ths feeling. Tingling, heat, and this awesome energy that moves my soul. As his lips brush on mine, my cheeks grow hot. My own cry out "kiss me and I am yours". His breath on my neck calls my body to press against his. And then we are one. Everything changes when I want him. The earth could shake this building and I would still be caught up in time. He is gorgeous when the sunlight catches his eyes. They light up so brilliantly blue. Like a cool ocean lays on top of the window to his soul. They are shy and gentle. Pleading to be looked at more, to be taken gently.

I will never leave you behind. Without you, I would face this world alone. He is gone now. I miss him already. I remember the last kiss we had and how I wished he could have stayed. It's raining now, here now my thoughts go to how we love and hate the rain. My hopes are that my baby has a good week.

Urgh, back to reality. Like jumping from one mind frame to another, I must get down and do some serious work. It's so hard to unwind and loosen my grip on control. Regaining it only takes seconds. What a strange thing. I wish it could work both ways. That I could switch on to Phil. Doesn't happen like that unfortunately. But when It does. I feel like he is my world. That I would give up everything to be with him and not even flinch. Sounds scary but it is the most amazing feeling I have ever had. I don't want to let go. Yes, there is even some desparation in my thoughts. He is my drug and I need a fix. Control, Letting go. Which of these is harder to switch on and off? This is a feeling I never want to forget.

I must drag myself away now and put these feelings in a box. Everything I think about Phil must be put to one side. Of course throughout the week in a daydream I can open this box and let it all come back to me...But not for long. I have a job to do. And although I would give it all up in a second if I knew that the feelings Phil gives me would stay like this, until then, I've got something to prove to myself. Such a delicate matter. How ever fast I can wizz up to my own success I will stand by Phil and nurture his own. My dream is for us to be on parallel in life. That we can help each other become the best we can be. That life can be happy when we are doing something we love everyday and coming home to the person who helped you stand where you are today; The person who had faith in you, the person who pulled you up when you was down, and the same person who made your happiest moments complete. This is my dream. This is where I want to be. I will enjoy the journey as much as the destination.