Lost and found property
Do you know, throughout the entire duration of my blogging experience. I can see one thing very clearly. I am deeply confused. So confused, I have been forced to find logic behind every action and reaction, thought and feeling. All the time questioning, all this time truly lost. Even now, I wonder why, why am I THIS way, why not another way. Why can't I think like that, why do I want the things I want. This darkness eludes me, my thoughts are my shroud from the inside world and out. I was given some mild intelligence, and a need to please. A need to feel accepted just as I am. But nobody will. Not even my own blood. And why should they, I don't accept myself for who I am. Because I know, I am what I am because THEY all made me this way. Good and the bad.
I am just the skimmed product. Everyday I try to float the good but there's always one fucker with a big stick in my pool who stirs it all up. I don't care how wrong that sounds. Take it as you want.
Life was so much simpler being naive. It was "do whatever you want Zoe". Only later to find out it is do what you want within reason. I live my my own rules that have been put into my head. Everyone on the planet who has had social contact has. Ok, so it's not such a bad thing entirely. But now, I resent it all.
I am still a sad dejected person underneath it all. But that's ok, because I'm not the only one who feels the same ways as I do. That's no consolation to me. I'm angry because I am misunderstood. I am sad that I cannot find ways to make myself understood. I am frustrated that I cannot vent my feelings. I am hurt when people misinterpret what I say and do. I feel guilty when I know I have offended someone. I am lost and afraid when people can't listen to what I want to say. I am in a better position when I say nothing at all.
Emotional self-defense is easy. So easy they didn't even have to write an "idiot's guide" to it. You got one brick wall. Simple isn't it? Whenever you get the tiniest bit hurt or stressed out. Up it comes in all it's glory. Sky high so no one can see you behind it but you still got your ear pressed up against it. Waiting. Hear something else you don't like, fine, add a few more bricks on. But we are all waiting for an angel to appear. We all want to be saved. A heavenly voice that comes through our walls and calls our to our soul so softly. So enchanting and beautiful it erodes a gap in between two bricks just enough so now I can see a rainbow aura silhouette. My defense becomes my offence. My brick wall separating me from my angel. I summon up enough hope to melt right through the wall. I so desperately want them to take my hand and feel their warmth. Running for the light, it fades so quickly and turns to pitch darkness. The dark brings a chilling cold. I turn around to look for my wall. I am lost and alone I have no bearings. Nothing looks familiar looking back. My angel has left me and there is nothing here... Except more bricks...So what do I do now, I will protect myself in the only way I know how, I will build a stronger wall. This time I won't be so fooled by fairytale angels, they will all have to shout if they want me to listen.
The earlier walls in my mind will never disappear totally, regardless if one day my very own angel brings a chisel or a wreaking ball to help. The real angels will stand right beside you and see what you see.Never losing patience. You know, even angels have their own walls too. They are hard to see at first but they will become as real as your own. Brick by brick they actually stack on your own wall and you would never guess where your wall began and theirs ended. But somehow, it doesn't matter because now there is two of you looking at the same wall with all these bricks. In a smooth transition that you never even noticed, you actually think to yourself "I'm not so worried, my angel is here with me." And one day, if you are really lucky, you get to be your angel's angel.
I am just the skimmed product. Everyday I try to float the good but there's always one fucker with a big stick in my pool who stirs it all up. I don't care how wrong that sounds. Take it as you want.
Life was so much simpler being naive. It was "do whatever you want Zoe". Only later to find out it is do what you want within reason. I live my my own rules that have been put into my head. Everyone on the planet who has had social contact has. Ok, so it's not such a bad thing entirely. But now, I resent it all.
I am still a sad dejected person underneath it all. But that's ok, because I'm not the only one who feels the same ways as I do. That's no consolation to me. I'm angry because I am misunderstood. I am sad that I cannot find ways to make myself understood. I am frustrated that I cannot vent my feelings. I am hurt when people misinterpret what I say and do. I feel guilty when I know I have offended someone. I am lost and afraid when people can't listen to what I want to say. I am in a better position when I say nothing at all.
Emotional self-defense is easy. So easy they didn't even have to write an "idiot's guide" to it. You got one brick wall. Simple isn't it? Whenever you get the tiniest bit hurt or stressed out. Up it comes in all it's glory. Sky high so no one can see you behind it but you still got your ear pressed up against it. Waiting. Hear something else you don't like, fine, add a few more bricks on. But we are all waiting for an angel to appear. We all want to be saved. A heavenly voice that comes through our walls and calls our to our soul so softly. So enchanting and beautiful it erodes a gap in between two bricks just enough so now I can see a rainbow aura silhouette. My defense becomes my offence. My brick wall separating me from my angel. I summon up enough hope to melt right through the wall. I so desperately want them to take my hand and feel their warmth. Running for the light, it fades so quickly and turns to pitch darkness. The dark brings a chilling cold. I turn around to look for my wall. I am lost and alone I have no bearings. Nothing looks familiar looking back. My angel has left me and there is nothing here... Except more bricks...So what do I do now, I will protect myself in the only way I know how, I will build a stronger wall. This time I won't be so fooled by fairytale angels, they will all have to shout if they want me to listen.
The earlier walls in my mind will never disappear totally, regardless if one day my very own angel brings a chisel or a wreaking ball to help. The real angels will stand right beside you and see what you see.Never losing patience. You know, even angels have their own walls too. They are hard to see at first but they will become as real as your own. Brick by brick they actually stack on your own wall and you would never guess where your wall began and theirs ended. But somehow, it doesn't matter because now there is two of you looking at the same wall with all these bricks. In a smooth transition that you never even noticed, you actually think to yourself "I'm not so worried, my angel is here with me." And one day, if you are really lucky, you get to be your angel's angel.
posted by Zoe @ 2:53 AM
