Can't remember the last time i felt this messed up. A guy that could've been asks disillusioned if i was the friend that asked for his number at the climax. Is it my own fault for his misconceptions for my identity and then pay dearly for my own games. Not only have i lost a chance, but a key potential actor. Perhaps my logical friends are right, I never take a chance unless it involves my gain. Logic is the in house dealer in this game however much I hate the rules. It does sicken me, I once was that girl who everyone wished was the mysterious caller. I wanted to be the girl who knocked ever so politely on hos door and ask to come in. But no. I suppose I thought him more fucked up than I hoped. Is love on the cards, I wish it not for it only disillusions me. Then again, we would not be where we are today without the fucked up minority with the gift of the gap.

You see, nothing is as black and white as it seems. Even the black and white is purple. I don't need understanding, I crave acceptance. The yes nod at the end of a sentence, the look of curiosity and trust. Now I work diligently to-wards these. Always a carefully planned step to-wards a higher attestations.

I miss all my past lovers and friends, some more than others.

Oh it hurts

But then, I know I can live a life enriched without a man.

This give a scenario of a poor girl falling in love with a poor boy

Maybe I do need understanding after all.

Where oh where can I find such an influence to sway me?

My friends have left me in confusion

It is too late in most cases to correct these presumptions

But i am still comforted by the fact I need no one to survive.

survival of the fittest dictates breeding

I am neither surprised or effected by this

I get what I want, even if I must adjust my thoughts by this

This is how I think minus the blurb

I am not capable of love this moment of time, could alway change tomorrow and again and then the day after

I choose to be as unpredictable as a nun in a casino surrounded by depraved men

There is nothing more

stop reading

so why don't you stop

Just stop!

Whatever will be will be

I'M BAAACK

Be afraid, be very afraid

Well, what can I say, having a bit of a downer moment surprise surprise. Don't know why people put up with me. I know I drive people away. Just a defense mechanism when things get shitty. But I know I've got great friends on my side which is something still I find hard to believe sometimes.

I hate it when I become so wrapped up in my own world that I can no longer reach out to others feelings when they need me most. I feel so out of touch and desperately wish that I could just give the other person what they need to hear. Just so consumed with myself and my own worries unable to let anyone in. So what do I want to change to instead of this reflex action. I wish I could be re-written over again.

Routine has given me something I never had before. A sense of belonging and a task set to be tackled continuously. Even though the mornings are early and the day is long, time has never passed this fast before.

With my routine, I find myself thinking more and more about a lost love. Silly things remind me of him and he's not fading away but rather coming right back at me. It's torturous because I don't want to think about anyone. Maybe I'm getting lonely again. Whatever it is, I keep thinking about him and it's killing me. I've thought about when he comes back from Africa with all his stories and smiles. I admit, it keeps me happy.