Outta here

I've always knew this day would come. The day I have my very own therapist. Hooray! If you ask me I'm overdue five years. Damn this guy must follow Froid a fair bit cause everything seems to stem from my parents. I have not doubt that they are the trigger. Same time what can you do right but understand your own actions. Which is pretty much what I've always been trying to do. But now the realization is coming a little quicker.

I can't believe the state I was in last week. It really is quite shameful. But I now admit, I need help. I'm not going to let my pride interfere with this, if it means I have the chance to heal broken wounds then I will do whatever it takes. I can't live on bursts of energy, I want some consistency in my life. Falling off the horse hurt much more than I anticipated. I guess I can't stop the motion but at least if I know I am shaky then I can throw some emotional cushions down. How can I better prepare myself for next time? Well, treat it as an experience, I'm still not strong enough to hold on the reins for long, acknowledge this. I don't know what comes next. But at least I know the first step. I am really going to try not to give up on myself.

I'm off to Spain Fuck It

Here goes nothing

I think for the first time ever, I was having the coolest wet dream ever. It was so bizarre. Everyone in the dream switched bodies with someone else, panicked a little then got right down to business.

I woke up feeling so lonely again. That loneliness that makes your stomach turn inside out. Men, tons of them have bombarded my thoughts. I feel like I did six months ago. The consolation I have this time is that I know this will pass and I will pick-up from where I left off. Hopefully stronger than before.

Men, why do they have this effect on me? I stayed strong and in control for so long, only for it to slip right through my fingers only to be left defenseless and wounded. I shouldn't care about any of them. Just myself. One may be the loneliest number but I'll turn it into the strongest too.

Such a big part of me wants a hug, from anyone right now. But this thinking has lead me down some dark alleys. So I must stamp it out. I don't need anyone, I don't need anyone. Men serve no purpose in my life. What do I need a man for? I'm going to make it, one day the world will love me for who I am. Who needs one man when I can have the whole world? I have a dream, and no one will take that away from me, I am in control of my own life. I love my life. I live how I choose and the choices I make are to the best of my knowledge.

Work comes first, I must maintain a drive to succeed. Stay positive, focus on what I am doing. I WILL get what I want.

I don't need anyone's approval or opinion, although if it is to the benefit of what I am doing, then I will peruse change. Keep your head low, keep it simple. Have faith in myself.

I have three weeks to hand in my project. In that time I must learn how to use photoshop, and CAD. I have all the pieces, now is the time to put together the puzzle. Do-able, yes. I start tomorrow morning. I have everything I need.