Innocence Vs Experience

In a world full of cloudy beauty. I stand up to part the sky.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Dreamy

Ah, blissful relief for my poor back. Zoning out time.

I'm really pleased with myself. Things are carefully falling in place just where I want them. I've never been so busy in all my life. Feels good to accomplish goals.

Funny, I'm struggling to express myself for once in words. The general feeling is contentment. Interior design is great, has helped me develop my creative and inventive side. I was afraid I had made the wrong choice but now I really love going into class and totally forgetting logic in black and white. It definitely could fast become a strength. I have an incentive for working hard too, I want to make the grade to be in an exchange student program in Europe. Feeling fairly confident so long as the balance doesn't get thrown out the window.

Also, a few unsettled issues have finally been laid to rest. A question in love has been resolved in my mind. I finally see that love and logic plainly do not mix no matter how you stir it. Although they elope at times, they have no place for one another. I have always been able to clearly interpret my feelings and describe the feeling. But love is just a mush of chemistry and brings out another character. We all have a facade, wear it in day in and day out. When we are in love, to hell with it all, you just don't ever want the lasting feeling to end. I'm totally leaning in on my tree-hugging hippy side. Just want to step away from the logical deductions, over analysis and a way of thinking which has only hardened my heart and made me arrogant and presumptions at times. I like where my mind is going. Just a swirl of colors and my defenses stand down.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Buns of steel

Ok, quick update here. It's week seven of university life and it's been a real rollercoaster. The best bits have been going to classes and opening a new gateway to spatial thinking. Meeting Adam and having horror film nights. Learning Tein Shan Pai and Shuai Jiao, kicking ass with class. Cooking and eating healthy foods everyday. Cleaning my room! Working part-time in sales in an electrical store. I quit smoking but on the thirteenth day I had one and then I saw my mother the next day and it fell apart. But I have chosen today to quit again. It's hard and not that hard...Just the big triggers get me...After a meal, stress, clubbing and most of all my mother. I'm pretty determined not to start again. I'm just sick of it and it costs too much. So every time I want a ciggy I'm bingeing on junk food. Which I kinda love and hate at the same time.

No serious downwards mood swings. I had a few minor ones, but it's been going ok. Being single has given me reasons to do ordinary things for myself and for nobody else. I take out the trash because it makes me happy. I exercise because I like what it does to me. So forth.

On the other hand, it still makes me long for my ex. Opening up a new thinking has given me the ability to think in pictures again. I remember what love felt like, I can use all my senses to recall every last detail. I feel the warmth of a kiss on my lips. I can't help but to close my eyes and meet those beautiful lips with my own. So slowly, like time never existed and there is nothing but bliss ahead. Guilt still prevents me from making a move to make amends. But that bridge has been burnt now anyway, so no point even thinking along those lines.

Trying to conjure up something deep and philosophical but I'm so damn tired.