Wanderings

I hope you are feeling somewhat better. Saying goodbye to someone you have been intensively close to is like ripping off a band-aid. For the initial feeling is one of a sudden voidness. Raw and intense. Followed by thoughts of what do I do now? Get on with life? Do not try to force yourself back into your normal pace of life. Things will slow down for awhile then naturally little by little you will become whole again.
On Tuesday fate chanced me and I met someone really special. There was sparks and I was captivated by him. My eyes were open to what he felt and what was happening around me. On a table with him and a group of "working foreign teachers" I saw exactly what it was between the locals and the outsiders. I saw and heared the sarcastic remarks about Chinese culture and the people and instinctively i stood up for the same people who previously i felt had shunned me away for not being Chinese. It helped me understand how forceful the westerners are in their persuasive talking, wanting me to side with them. And I watched Zhao and how he swallowed it and made deep and meaningful lightness out of the insults. My biggest mistake was moving too quickly with him against all my better judgement, but i trusted him completely which opened my world. It came to a blinding halt because I closed down completely and I hurt him. I saw him two days later and he was a different person. It feels as if there is nothing I can do because If i act, and opened my heart again to him to take that time to explain what i felt, i leave Beijing tomorrow for Shenyang. Time is not on my side. Kind of feels like I'm starting from scratch again. Ive been sad but trying not to be too hard on myself for my shortcomings. For I never know what the future brings and I hope to be open to those wonderful experiences.
Ive always had trouble finding someone who can keep up with me too. So in compromise I slow down or stop altogether. There has to be a good compromise where both people believe they are giving up something for something better. This is the happy medium. These decisions can happen in a split second or over time. In the past i have given up things i liked in hopes of making the other person happy. In time this can lead to resentment. Now I learn to stay true to myself and do the things that make me happy all the time and hopefully make others happy on the way. If they are not happy, then it is up to them to either accept what i am doing and be happy with me or ignore whats happening and hope that it might change if its bad behaviour. Cannot force anyone to change.
In my wild ramblings, i understand myself more. Feels like writing is the only opportunity i get to sit down and think about things calmly. There is so much in the world i have yet to understand but you cannot eat an elephant in one sitting :)